I'm late in giving advise on this, so forgive me here...
A few things I noticed:
1. Your first paragraph goes right into the story, with no introduction into who you are...I don't know if this is what you're supposed to do with a query letter, but it just seemed abrupt...
2. Yes, of course you know that the story explanation needs to be condensed...so, explain what the overall themes in the story are; you've given us the plotline, but that doesn't tell what the story is ABOUT...Also, you explain very little about the characters, except for Saul...maybe briefly explain the journey that the characters go through, rather than the plotline...because you may have a great story, but if you don't have interesting characters, then there's nothing there...
3. The setting of Serenade of Blood and Silver is influenced by the American Old West and by sub-Saharan West Africa, where I lived for three years.
I like this description ALOT...except for the last "where I lived for three years"; that's too personal and the agent doesn't really care about that information...
5. Your experiences as a member of the AAR, as a member agent of Writers House, which has received positive mention in Writing-World.com and Writer's Market, and as the representative of writers such as Robin McKinley and Neil Gaimon are very impressive.
This seems like a run-on sentence and needs to be condensed... "Your experiences as a member of the AAR and as a member agent of Writers House are very impressive."
4. scott_lynch gave good advice earlier about making it "proactive"...this doesn't mean that you have be like a ad exec selling sneakers...this means that your prose in the letter has to be focused and to the point...once you focus the letter, the strength of it will come out on its own...no tangents, no digressions, just simply who you are, who the characters are and what their journey is, what the themes of the story are, and why you think the agent should represent you...
no subject
A few things I noticed:
1. Your first paragraph goes right into the story, with no introduction into who you are...I don't know if this is what you're supposed to do with a query letter, but it just seemed abrupt...
2. Yes, of course you know that the story explanation needs to be condensed...so, explain what the overall themes in the story are; you've given us the plotline, but that doesn't tell what the story is ABOUT...Also, you explain very little about the characters, except for Saul...maybe briefly explain the journey that the characters go through, rather than the plotline...because you may have a great story, but if you don't have interesting characters, then there's nothing there...
3. The setting of Serenade of Blood and Silver is influenced by the American Old West and by sub-Saharan West Africa, where I lived for three years.
I like this description ALOT...except for the last "where I lived for three years"; that's too personal and the agent doesn't really care about that information...
5. Your experiences as a member of the AAR, as a member agent of Writers House, which has received positive mention in Writing-World.com and Writer's Market, and as the representative of writers such as Robin McKinley and Neil Gaimon are very impressive.
This seems like a run-on sentence and needs to be condensed...
"Your experiences as a member of the AAR and as a member agent of Writers House are very impressive."
4. scott_lynch gave good advice earlier about making it "proactive"...this doesn't mean that you have be like a ad exec selling sneakers...this means that your prose in the letter has to be focused and to the point...once you focus the letter, the strength of it will come out on its own...no tangents, no digressions, just simply who you are, who the characters are and what their journey is, what the themes of the story are, and why you think the agent should represent you...
Good luck!!