I really don't know how agents look at this sort of thing. I've only dealt with unsolicited manuscripts at the publisher's end of things. So bear that ignorance in mind...
First, your numbered query points: 1 - leave it out 2 - wisewoman is fine 3 - not too much of a cliffhanger 4 - I think that's fine 5 - could be rephrased, but not too stalkery (maybe cut it to "Because you already represent Minneapolis authors") bio 1 - Yeah, too much info
Now, my own thoughts: gee, this is awfully long why the second person bio? first person would be more in keeping with the tone of the letter. And integrate it, rather than referencing it. Serenade of Blood and Silver is a fantasy novel about a man who discovers that there's more than one way to build a family. It usually takes blood, sweat, and tears; Saul's way is no exception, but he finds the result to be worth all his effort. I have to admit that these two sentences, as opening sentences, don't stand out enough to me. "Building a family" is not, to be blunt, a very unique subject matter. And using the phrase "it usually takes.." implies, well, that your novel is usual - run of the mill. The rest of the synopsis does not give that impression, but you have to get them past the first sentence, the first paragraph. The problem is, I can't tell you how to rephrase it, right now. If I think of anything good tomorrow morning, I'll let you know.
no subject
First, your numbered query points:
1 - leave it out
2 - wisewoman is fine
3 - not too much of a cliffhanger
4 - I think that's fine
5 - could be rephrased, but not too stalkery (maybe cut it to "Because you already represent Minneapolis authors")
bio 1 - Yeah, too much info
Now, my own thoughts:
gee, this is awfully long
why the second person bio? first person would be more in keeping with the tone of the letter. And integrate it, rather than referencing it.
Serenade of Blood and Silver is a fantasy novel about a man who discovers that there's more than one way to build a family. It usually takes blood, sweat, and tears; Saul's way is no exception, but he finds the result to be worth all his effort. I have to admit that these two sentences, as opening sentences, don't stand out enough to me. "Building a family" is not, to be blunt, a very unique subject matter. And using the phrase "it usually takes.." implies, well, that your novel is usual - run of the mill. The rest of the synopsis does not give that impression, but you have to get them past the first sentence, the first paragraph. The problem is, I can't tell you how to rephrase it, right now. If I think of anything good tomorrow morning, I'll let you know.
Good luck!