Abra Staffin-Wiebe (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
abracanabra) wrote2002-11-04 05:28 pm
abracanabra) wrote2002-11-04 05:28 pm
Query Letter Help.
Help! I've written a query letter to an agent that I would very much like to represent Serenade of Blood and Silver. Please take a look at it and give me your suggestions. Does this sound like a novel that you would be interested in reading/publishing? Etc. I've italicized portions I am unsure about, with the explanation why afterwards. Thank you all so much....
Dear CENSORED:
I am looking for an agent to represent my novel and am pleased to submit this query for your consideration. Serenade of Blood and Silver is a fantasy novel about a man who discovers that there's more than one way to build a family. It usually takes blood, sweat, and tears; Saul's way is no exception, but he finds the result to be worth all his effort.
Saul has drifted through life for years. He has avoided forming any permanent connection to other people, bonding instead with the horses that are in his care. This changes one rainy season day when he sees a filly being abused. He feels responsible for gentling her and leading her to trust people.[1] He steals the filly from his employer and flees pursuit.
When the horse becomes violently ill, Saul takes her to a wisewoman[2] who removes the silver, rune-inscribed horseshoes that may be causing the illness. The filly shifts into a child, a young girl who trusts no human but Saul. The wisewoman tells them that the child is bound in her human form; each time she changes shape, the fatal illness she was suffering from has a chance to slip through into her human shape. Saul reluctantly undertakes responsibility for the girl, though he has no idea how to deal with a puca, much less a child.
With the wisewoman's help, Saul and the child travel to a waterhole at the boundary between the civilized Near Desert and the dangerous Far Desert, hoping to sign on with a trade caravan that will allow them to escape the Horse Thief Catchers' Society agent who will surely follow them. When they reach the waterhole, they find that all the caravans have left for the season, but the leader of the tribes who roam the Far Desert proposes an arrangement that will help preserve the freedom of the desert tribesfolk and allow Saul and the puca to escape. [3]
The setting of Serenade of Blood and Silver is influenced by the American Old West and by sub-Saharan West Africa, where I lived for three years. The cultural complexities of these societies add depth to the novel and provide a solid foundation for the fantasy world it is set in. Serenade of Blood and Silver is the first novel of a trilogy I have plotted. Each of the novels is designed to stand alone as a satisfying story, but their complete scope will be revealed over the course of the trilogy.[4]
As a young writer in Minneapolis, I am looking for an experienced agent based in New York. Because you already represent authors in Minneapolis and visit the city on business-related matters,[5] I believe we could have a good working relationship if you choose to represent me. Your experiences as a member of the AAR, as a member agent of Writers House, which has received positive mention in Writing-World.com and Writer's Market, and as the representative of writers such as Robin McKinley and Neil Gaimon are very impressive. I would be honored if you chose to represent this novel and my future work.
I have included a short biography for your review. Serenade of Blood and Silver is 92,000 words long and fully complete. May I send you a copy of the manuscript?
Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Abra Staffin Wiebe
Encl.
Biography
SASE
[1] Should this be rephrased or left out?
[2] Is wisewoman a well-understood and appropriate term? I didn't want to say "chaddari" because the agent would have no idea what I meant.
[3] Is this too much of a cliffhanger? Should I actually summarize the entire thing?
[4] Well, should I say this or should I leave the assumption that this is a stand-alone novel? I mean, it is but it isn't....
[5] Is this too stalkerly?
And the biography...
Abra Staffin Wiebe grew up in Kansas, Burkina Faso, Chad, and India. While living in Africa and India, she had the opportunity to observe different cultures struggling to preserve their way of life and to find their place in future world society. This has informed much of her writing and led to her interest in the means different societies use to preserve themselves.[1] She moved to Minnesota to attend Macalester College and has lived in Minneapolis for the past six years. She recently finished the final draft of her first novel, Serenade of Blood and Silver, and is currently researching her second novel, Vicesteed, a neo-Victorian science fiction novel about memory and identity. She is also writing a screenplay based on one of her short stories that an independent short film director has expressed interest in producing.
[1] Too much information?
Dear CENSORED:
I am looking for an agent to represent my novel and am pleased to submit this query for your consideration. Serenade of Blood and Silver is a fantasy novel about a man who discovers that there's more than one way to build a family. It usually takes blood, sweat, and tears; Saul's way is no exception, but he finds the result to be worth all his effort.
Saul has drifted through life for years. He has avoided forming any permanent connection to other people, bonding instead with the horses that are in his care. This changes one rainy season day when he sees a filly being abused. He feels responsible for gentling her and leading her to trust people.[1] He steals the filly from his employer and flees pursuit.
When the horse becomes violently ill, Saul takes her to a wisewoman[2] who removes the silver, rune-inscribed horseshoes that may be causing the illness. The filly shifts into a child, a young girl who trusts no human but Saul. The wisewoman tells them that the child is bound in her human form; each time she changes shape, the fatal illness she was suffering from has a chance to slip through into her human shape. Saul reluctantly undertakes responsibility for the girl, though he has no idea how to deal with a puca, much less a child.
With the wisewoman's help, Saul and the child travel to a waterhole at the boundary between the civilized Near Desert and the dangerous Far Desert, hoping to sign on with a trade caravan that will allow them to escape the Horse Thief Catchers' Society agent who will surely follow them. When they reach the waterhole, they find that all the caravans have left for the season, but the leader of the tribes who roam the Far Desert proposes an arrangement that will help preserve the freedom of the desert tribesfolk and allow Saul and the puca to escape. [3]
The setting of Serenade of Blood and Silver is influenced by the American Old West and by sub-Saharan West Africa, where I lived for three years. The cultural complexities of these societies add depth to the novel and provide a solid foundation for the fantasy world it is set in. Serenade of Blood and Silver is the first novel of a trilogy I have plotted. Each of the novels is designed to stand alone as a satisfying story, but their complete scope will be revealed over the course of the trilogy.[4]
As a young writer in Minneapolis, I am looking for an experienced agent based in New York. Because you already represent authors in Minneapolis and visit the city on business-related matters,[5] I believe we could have a good working relationship if you choose to represent me. Your experiences as a member of the AAR, as a member agent of Writers House, which has received positive mention in Writing-World.com and Writer's Market, and as the representative of writers such as Robin McKinley and Neil Gaimon are very impressive. I would be honored if you chose to represent this novel and my future work.
I have included a short biography for your review. Serenade of Blood and Silver is 92,000 words long and fully complete. May I send you a copy of the manuscript?
Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Abra Staffin Wiebe
Encl.
Biography
SASE
[1] Should this be rephrased or left out?
[2] Is wisewoman a well-understood and appropriate term? I didn't want to say "chaddari" because the agent would have no idea what I meant.
[3] Is this too much of a cliffhanger? Should I actually summarize the entire thing?
[4] Well, should I say this or should I leave the assumption that this is a stand-alone novel? I mean, it is but it isn't....
[5] Is this too stalkerly?
And the biography...
Abra Staffin Wiebe grew up in Kansas, Burkina Faso, Chad, and India. While living in Africa and India, she had the opportunity to observe different cultures struggling to preserve their way of life and to find their place in future world society. This has informed much of her writing and led to her interest in the means different societies use to preserve themselves.[1] She moved to Minnesota to attend Macalester College and has lived in Minneapolis for the past six years. She recently finished the final draft of her first novel, Serenade of Blood and Silver, and is currently researching her second novel, Vicesteed, a neo-Victorian science fiction novel about memory and identity. She is also writing a screenplay based on one of her short stories that an independent short film director has expressed interest in producing.
[1] Too much information?
no subject
http://www.sfwa.org/writing/query.htm
http://www.sfwa.org/writing/agents.htm
http://www.sfwa.org/writing/OP71.htm
Cheers,
SL
P.S. I've never heard of the practice of including a biography in third-person with a query letter to an agent. While I may be nuts, I think it is a bit much... all the pertinent information about your unique background and special qualifications should be in the letter itself, which should ideally be no longer than one page. Time enough for bios and such if the agent decides to represent the work. ˇ
Re:
The estimates I've heard for length run from 1 1/2 pgs. to (max) 5 pgs. I thought five pages was a bit long.
One of the examples (critiqued by an actual honest-to-God agent) at writer's market had a bio attached and the agent said it was a good idea. *shrug* I'll read the articles you pointed out; no, I haven't already, I don't think...I might have, just because I've scanned most of the major writing advice websites.
Aside from that?
no subject
www.sfwriter.com/agent.htm
I know which agent you're referring to, and I wish I could tell you something specifically useful about [them], but I can't.
Five pages for a freakin' query letter? Please tell me the deluded soul behind that recommendation meant "including a sample of the work..."
(I need to post in short gulps because the Mac is in a crashy mood, and I'm sick of losing work in progress. I'll be back later.)
no subject
"Serenade of Blood and Silver is a fantasy novel about a man who discovers that there's more than one way to build a family. It usually takes blood, sweat, and tears; Saul's way is no exception, but he finds the result to be worth all his effort."
Emphasizing this aspect of the novel actually isn't a bad idea... sure as hell better than "this is a story about a peasant who is really a prince, and the Chosen One destined to overthrow the Dark Lord..." but the opening of the query letter calls for bang-zoom blurb language (albeit with a brain). Don't so much emphasize what the novel is *about,* but rather *why it should be read.*
Remember... you are not explaining the deeper theme of SoB&S to a friend. You are trying to convince a professional prose-hucker, in the space of a single page, that your prose is worth hucking-- that your story is worth *selling.* Sleep on it and then approach it again from a slightly more... bloodthirsty? aggressive? proactive?... angle.
Ciao,
SL
Re:
no subject
First, your numbered query points:
1 - leave it out
2 - wisewoman is fine
3 - not too much of a cliffhanger
4 - I think that's fine
5 - could be rephrased, but not too stalkery (maybe cut it to "Because you already represent Minneapolis authors")
bio 1 - Yeah, too much info
Now, my own thoughts:
gee, this is awfully long
why the second person bio? first person would be more in keeping with the tone of the letter. And integrate it, rather than referencing it.
Serenade of Blood and Silver is a fantasy novel about a man who discovers that there's more than one way to build a family. It usually takes blood, sweat, and tears; Saul's way is no exception, but he finds the result to be worth all his effort. I have to admit that these two sentences, as opening sentences, don't stand out enough to me. "Building a family" is not, to be blunt, a very unique subject matter. And using the phrase "it usually takes.." implies, well, that your novel is usual - run of the mill. The rest of the synopsis does not give that impression, but you have to get them past the first sentence, the first paragraph. The problem is, I can't tell you how to rephrase it, right now. If I think of anything good tomorrow morning, I'll let you know.
Good luck!
Re:
I fucking suck.
Never mind.
I'm kind of pissy.
no subject
"My novel deals with universal themes of the human condition and has fucking."
Re:
no subject
*Big Smile*
Now all that you have to do is to condense it all down to one or two sentences. I don't know about publishing but some things are universal and this is the same thing as pitching a film. You don't need to get all the nuances in one sentence, but capture what makes your story stand out and grab the reader's attention. Not having written a book myself I can only imagine how daunting this might seem. Perhaps you can think back to what the germ of your novel was. If this is no help at all feel free to ignore it. Good luck!
no subject
A few things I noticed:
1. Your first paragraph goes right into the story, with no introduction into who you are...I don't know if this is what you're supposed to do with a query letter, but it just seemed abrupt...
2. Yes, of course you know that the story explanation needs to be condensed...so, explain what the overall themes in the story are; you've given us the plotline, but that doesn't tell what the story is ABOUT...Also, you explain very little about the characters, except for Saul...maybe briefly explain the journey that the characters go through, rather than the plotline...because you may have a great story, but if you don't have interesting characters, then there's nothing there...
3. The setting of Serenade of Blood and Silver is influenced by the American Old West and by sub-Saharan West Africa, where I lived for three years.
I like this description ALOT...except for the last "where I lived for three years"; that's too personal and the agent doesn't really care about that information...
5. Your experiences as a member of the AAR, as a member agent of Writers House, which has received positive mention in Writing-World.com and Writer's Market, and as the representative of writers such as Robin McKinley and Neil Gaimon are very impressive.
This seems like a run-on sentence and needs to be condensed...
"Your experiences as a member of the AAR and as a member agent of Writers House are very impressive."
4. scott_lynch gave good advice earlier about making it "proactive"...this doesn't mean that you have be like a ad exec selling sneakers...this means that your prose in the letter has to be focused and to the point...once you focus the letter, the strength of it will come out on its own...no tangents, no digressions, just simply who you are, who the characters are and what their journey is, what the themes of the story are, and why you think the agent should represent you...
Good luck!!
no subject
I would definitely /leave in/ the part about living in the sub-sahara. It shows that you know what you're talking about. I also recommend shortening this entire query to a page, and then including most of the story specific information in a 1-5 page synopsis that you can include in a query package. You've explored themes here a bit. That's good. Cliff hangers in the query letter are good. Kind of think in terms of what the book jacket to your novel would say. Short, pithy, grabs the attention.
Authors bio can go on a separate page from the query letter as part of the query package, and you have properly written it in the third person.
Now, for my real question, how the hell did you write a novel in under 100K words. I am the queen of verbosity. My novel was originally 220K (and was the first of a trilogy). I cut it down to 180K. Still too long. :) I'm impressed.
Re:
Plus I cut a lot. Plus it is the first novel in a trilogy....
I already shortened this up...integrated the biography, condensed the summary, and got it down to under a page and a half.