Help! ...Writing.

[abracanabra]

So I'm rewriting the beginning of my novel, Serenade of Blood & Silver, and need some advice as to which opening I should use. I rewrote the opening because I didn't like the original as much as I thought I should, but now I'm not sure which is better. So just read them and tell me which one grabs you more. Please! Help!

Here is the original:

"Whoa there, ladies, don't get too excited! I've got enough to go around for all of you; there's no call to go tearing my clothes off!" The mares shifted restlessly around Saul, nibbling at the rough haroot fragments he pared off with his worn belt knife. He backed against the fence when another heavy thud shook the walls of the stable nearby. He almost lost his balance, pushing against a bay mare to keep upright. She twitched her skin and shifted uncomfortably. The ruckus in the quarantined area of the stables was making them all nervous.

He'd figured he might calm them down a mite, but his presence wasn't soothing them today. In all his years with horses, he had learned at least one thing: the vicinity of a large, upset, hoofed animal was not the safest place to be. He tossed the haroot into their manger and eased out. He shut the heavy gate and barred it. In the sunwax that Saul had wrangled Madam Dorothy's herd, he had never seen them so disturbed. Today he was backing out of the group pen with bruises and the sleeve of his duster torn by skittish teeth, instead of with hay in his hair and the affectionate stink of horse slobber on his clothes.

This is the second version:

"Ngaari Baydi bodewol poyngol
Na laamna danewol girrayel Aayi
Nari dawla tiinde tilsaay
Sabu soodataake."

Saul glanced across to the rough lean-to shelter next to the corral as the plaintive song wound its way through the hot air. He figured it wasn't helping to soothe the khel any. He latched the gate to the corral and went to ask the singer to hush down for a while. The horses' nerves were plenty frayed; they startled at any noise. The commotion in the warded stable was getting on everyone's nerves. Today he was backing out of the group pen with bruises and the sleeve of his duster torn by skittish teeth, instead of with hay in his hair and the affectionate stink of horse slobber on his clothes.

"No need to bedeck a face already lucky," the boy sang, switching to a language Saul could understand, "because beauty cannot be bought." Saul walked around the lean-to and frowned at the half-breed stableboy resting in the shade.

"No more of that for a while," he said. "The khel are spooked enough already."

The boy nodded. Saul turned to take care of the warded stable, but stopped when he heard the boy softly sing, "Except by a faithful heart." He looked back at the boy. His eyes were closed and his head rested back on the worn mud-brick wall of the lean-to. "And a song sung to the desert wind," the boy finished in what was barely more than a whisper across the sand.

Saul waited a moment, but the boy stayed silent, his eyes closed. Saul sighed. There was no cause for his to go snapping at the boy.

I rewrote it because I thought the first one's tone wasn't quite right, and of course, beginnings are important! The second one also introduces the idea of the tribesfolk, who become quite important later in the book.

Thank you very much! Of course, any and all suggestions for improving either version are welcome.

Again, thank you.