Beware the Candy Aisle

[abracanabra]

My children, I am here to warn you, for there is a peril that many of you have not suspected. A simple trip to the department store may be fraught with dangers only revealed one day of the year: Halloween. I do not speak of such minor matters as rotting teeth and expanding waistlines. Yea, verily, I warn thee of the "last minute trip to buy candy." Forsooth, you may buy toothpaste or a clean pair of socks, but beware the candy aisle, for beneath the fluorescent lights and between the brightly colored signs, there be monsters. If you should be in such dire straits as to seek the isle of candy on Halloween eve, resist the urge, I tell you! Better to cower in an unlit house and wince at the smash of rotten eggs upon your steps than to put yourself in danger. For there is true danger there, danger to your health, to your soul, and to your respect for your fellow man. You may think that I have escaped unscathed; remember, there are grave wounds that can never be seen.

With my own eyes, I have seen such horrors as would make a lesser woman flee in abject terror. I have seen the gentle, smiling mother transformed into Medusa when her brood's candy hoard was threatened. I have seen the cut-throat, powerful lawyer reduced to unmanly blubbering. I have seen the laughing banter exchanged by those who prowl through the pillaged candy aisle, and I have seen beyond their mask of smalltalk to the desperation that will drive men to unspeakable acts.

I have seen people who walked in proudly reduced to the behavior of their reptilian ancestors. Their shoulders slump, their hands become claws, and their eyes narrow. Their teeth lengthen, and the stench of rotting carrion melds with the chocolatey-sweet smell of candy. It is better if you can avoid thinking of these creatures as human. If you show any signs of weakness, they will see you as prey. They will lie with the guile of their serpents' tongues. They will tell you of fine bags of candy, merely two aisles away. They can move with terrifying speed to seize their sugary treasures.

Should you ignore my warning, I can offer only a few humble pieces of advice that might let you escape with your hide and your candy intact. Do not make eye contact with them. Do not believe the tales they will spin. Do not trust in the imagined sanctity of your shopping cart. Take only wrapped candy. Crouch low and search the dark corners as they battle over the choices in plain view. And, most important, as soon as you have secured a supply of candy, make your escape before they see that they have missed a bag.

Comments

[molly-grrl.livejournal.com]

You just totally reminded me that i HAVE to make a trip to the candy aisle to get the peanut-butter toffee before it's out of season again!!!

[cloudscudding.livejournal.com]

Because we all know that the toffee trees stop producing in mid-November.

Gimme my chocolate, Dammit!

[kaleidogirl.livejournal.com]

I'd be one of the people reducing the lawyers to tears.

Re: Gimme my chocolate, Dammit!

[cloudscudding.livejournal.com]

People do become surprisingly vehement about their right to candy.

[utilitygeek.livejournal.com]

I love a good scary Halloween story.

I made sure to have candy ahead of time. Plenty of candy, in a cool little bowl. One kid showed up. I distributed candy at work. :-(

[cloudscudding.livejournal.com]

So sad. I bought way too much candy, too, but at least we had several groups of trick-or-treaters. I was just panicked by the other people hoarding candy.

Hoarding--bad behavior that's contagious.

[utilitygeek.livejournal.com]

Hoarding--bad behavior that's contagious.
Like puns!

Or, as Seiryu would say, For the Hoard!