Coyote Con: Fixing Passive Voice Tips

[abracanabra]

There was much general discussion, but the following tips are what I found most useful.

[FrancesP] 12:43 pm: Okay, tips for fixing passives:
[FrancesP] 12:43 pm: Get specific: “It was late when he arrived” turns into “he
arrived ten minutes late.” “He was a heavy-set man” turns into “he weighed
over two-hundred and fifty pounds.”
[FrancesP] 12:43 pm: Get descriptive: “She was tall” turns into “she towered
over her co-workers.” “The guy was short” turns into “the top of his head
barely reached her shoulder.”
[FrancesP] 12:44 pm: Expand the idea: “It was raining” turns into “rain
drizzled and pooled in the streets.” “I’m tired” turns into “I can’t force my
eyes to stay open for one more minute.”
[FrancesP] 12:44 pm: Flip it: “In the center of the room was a table” turns
into “a table occupied the center of the room.” “On the top of his head was a
hat” turns into “he wore a hat on the top of his head.”

Comments

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I absolutely disagree on giving the weight (or height, or bra size) in a specific number. I find it not just useless but counterproductive. Every time someone describes a character as startlingly obese or amazingly tall or stunningly large-breasted and gives me a number, the number undercuts their description. A behemoth of 6'1", for example, is a fairly ordinary-sized man to me: of the people I see in an ordinary week not working outside the house, at least two of them are taller than that. If we have a family gathering, even more. And build matters so much that "heavy-set" is more descriptive to me than "250#," because there are so many ways for a person to weigh 250# that you can't tell whether it is a person of slight bone structure who is very fat for their bones or a muscular person with a little fat around the edges or what.

And really, do you gauge the exact height and weight of most people you meet? I'm 5'6", but I'll bet most people who haven't had cause to stand back to back with me and measure heights (which is pretty much everybody since I graduated high school) would say instead that I was a woman of about average height--or a little taller or shorter than average in different parts of the country or ethnic groups. If I'm wearing something reasonably fitted, someone might think of me as curvy, but even lingerie sales clerks do not immediately guess my bra size correctly. The impossibly, insanely big breasts in Junot Diaz's Oscar Wao? That's about the size I wear. But from the rest of his description apart from the specific size, nobody would think it was, because the woman in question is more or less stopped by strangers on the street and asked how she can walk erect, and this is just not an issue for me.

[discoflamingo.livejournal.com]

I think numbers are the opposite of evocative imagery. Much like how if a character is about to give "the greatest speech ever told", the writer would do well to not actually write it out.

[cloudscudding.livejournal.com]

That was exactly the example I thought of.

[cloudscudding.livejournal.com]

Hmm, you raise good points. I guess whether that kind of specificity is good or bad depends on what you're trying to say with it--and if you're using it to describe people, be very, very cautious!